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Do I have legit work to do this morning? Yes, yes I do.

Am I doing any of it? So far, no.

Also, I think that means that chick peas are mathematically very small Cannelloni noodles.

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The existence of Tortelloni and Tortellini, implies a diminutive Macaroni, Macarini.

I heard that every time Randy Newman bones he sings "I've got a friend in you," to his partner. I heard that.

I just started to correct someone on the internet about a comic book, but I pulled myself back from the brink.
That was a close one.

Love to ask a progress-halting yes/no question of a co-worker and get left on read for a half hour.

That's Me Time, baby

Before we get to our next guest, can I tell you a joke?
What did DJ Jazzy Jeff say to his good friend, Will Smith, when he came over with a delicious food prep box he'd just received in the mail?
"Hello, Fresh!"
That's right, this week's episode is sponsored, in part, by Hello Fresh!
Hello Fresh! Take the stress out of mealtime!

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What's up guys, it's your boy, Justin, Post Master General of the Snake Post Office Online! Do we have a show for you! Remember to like, subscribe, and slither your way over to that bell icon so you'll be the first to get your fangs into our newest videos!
Before we get into it, I want to talk to you about erectile dysfunction. Nobody likes a droopy snake in their postbox, am I right? That's why The Snake Post Office Online has partnered with Hims! Hims: Health and wellness, as it should be!

Look, I know I have no business complaining about the heat here in Maine, but I am not built for this shit.

I have strapped an ice pack to my back, and I'm just trying to get through the workday.

Hearing a countdown and being unable to determine to what it's counting down is a newly discovered source of anxiety.
It could be *anything*!

The United Snakes Postal Service proudly supports a mother's right to eat as many of her own eggs as she chooses.

"It's too early for this shit," really has no connection to time or place. It's a mindset. And buddy? Right now? It's too early for this shit.

Are you aware that "nazi" is an abbreviation for "national socialist" because that's how the first four letters of "Nationalsozialist" are pronounced and that they are therefore the same thing?

When I was 18 or 19, a woman in a music store told me I had bagpiper's fingers. I know she was just trying to sell me bagpipes, but that has stayed with me for over two decades.

Do sighted people (or people who otherwise don't feel that image descriptions are for them) look at image descriptions here?

Generally I mean, not necessarily "always" or "never."

Which kind of creature are you (by nature, not by circumstance)?

(You can only pick one, I don't make the rules.)

Blueberries must be ripe, 'cause all the bird shit's purple now.

Getting to hear strange men come to your girlfriend's door to ask her out is a part of long distance dating I wasn't prepared for.

Luckily, she told him no.

Also, men: don't ask women you don't know out at their homes. That's creepy as fuck.

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